Thursday, November 29, 2007

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating wednesday on thursday

First off, let me just say that I know I'm a day late, yesterday was insanely crazy. I don't think I was even home all day.

This week, we will be discussing fetishes, respectively. Last night I got asked if I have any. Now most people don't know this about me, but I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. I'm not saying I'm bad at it, because well I'm not, but I don't do a lot of the crazy shit that most women seem to be doing now a days, so that's why I say vanilla. That's pretty much the only way I can describe it. Its funny because most men hit on me based on my looks and the fact that they figure since I have so many tattoos and piercings, I'll be into the kind of stuff they see in extreme porn. Homie don't play that. But I will say, since I'm pretty sure I'm starting to sound like a mormon on her honeymoon, I don't get complaints and satisfaction is involved on his part...just throwing it out there...don't want to never get laid again.

But I digress. Some of the things that men and women ask for is pretty humorous. Mainly men though, I've noticed, ask for weird things on CL than women. Women, I believe, are a little more discreet. And some of the request just straight up gross me out. Welcome to the ick factor.

would you like to watch me shave??? - m4w - 36

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-14, 7:45AM MST


Hi, It's finally my weekend, sorry to rub it in, but I'm now home alone in the morns and afts for the rest of the week. Have you ever wanted to watch a guy shave his pubic hair? I'm in need of a good trim, actually lets go bald, and would love to have an audience. If this sounds like something you like to see maybe we can sort it out.....

Now here is one where I really do wonder if he got any responses and was able to carry out this "fantasy" of his. I think I will ask him. God bless the internet.

Friday, November 23, 2007

A funny thing happened...

On my way to Thanksgiving dinner. My tire blew out. We were halfway there, then BOOM goes the tire. So we pulled off on the side of the freeway to take a look. This is what it looked like:

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Crack is Whack
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We called for reinforcements. My sister had left a few minutes after we did, and boy was I glad that she was running late as well.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Then, the inevitable happened. I mean, it just wouldn't have been complete if this hadn't happened...the ex dropped the jack. Down. A hole. A drain hole to be exact.

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And of course my spare tire was no bueno, so we couldn't use that. I ended up having to leave my poor baby on the side of the road. Yeah, my car is kind of a piece and its more than just a little messy, but I love it. It'd be like if I had to leave one of my kids on the side of the road. I mean, they're real smelly and sticky and just a little annoying, but I'd be real sad if I had to leave them behind with a bum tire. After I left my car, we continued on our way to eat some food. Because boy, does getting a flat sure build up an appetite. So eat I did. As my poor car sits on the freeway all alone and cold. Now I'm going to buy a new tire and rescue my car. I have until 3:45 this afternoon to pick it up, or else...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating wednesday

This week on Adventures in Whoreland, we are going to delve into the strange, freudian world of mommy and daddy complexes. I, myself have run into quite a few men who like to be called "Daddy". I comply, sometimes, but I don't really understand it. Why? Is it because it makes them feel in control and...well, I don't know. If any of you men that read this and want to openly admit that you like being called daddy and will tell me why, tell me. An inquiring mind wants to know. This ad doesn't really go into the whole "call me daddy" thing, but it's pretty close in the whole "I want to be your daddy" thing.

Daddy Issues?

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-12, 12:19PM MST


Are you attracted to older men? I'm more than happy to help you deal with your "Daddy Issues", even to the point of giving you that allowance that he never did. To make this realistic, you should be 18-28, attractive, non-smoking and FUN!


The other weird thing is the mommy thing. Now I don't mean the whole "Iwant a milf" thing...I mean the whole, "I want you to baby me and act like my mommy" thing. Though this one doesn't really surprise me. Grosses me out a little bit, but not really any kind of surprise there. Most men are just big babies looking for their mother, figuratively speaking of course, to take care of them. I'm pretty sure that towards the end of my marriage it all boiled down to the fact that I was not like his mother (may she rest in peace; why do we always have to add that in when speaking of the deceased?) in any way, shape or form. She was devout mormon who sold Amway, didn't drink, smoke or eat processed foods. I'm an agnostic atheist who smokes, drinks and eats fast food. She was high strung, I'm laid back. She was passionate about not getting social security cards, immunizations or giving them medicine and I could care less. All in all, not like his mother equals divorce. At least that's my theory, and I'm sticking to it.

So this next ad was false advertising...a little. The subject says one thing, but the actual ad proves that he does need a mommy to teach him a thing or two...or that he just needs to go back to school. It looks as though the first part of the ad he's responding to someone, then goes into his "about me". Baby needs to learn to read and write.

i want a mommy to show me a thing or two - m4w

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-13, 6:16PM MST


Hi, I am a 22 year old hispanic u of a student currently living near the u of a. after reading your posting I am very confident that I am what you two are looking for. I would love to meet you two in person so we can discuss this further. I am 6 feet tall have brown hair and brown eyes. The way I work out is boxing during the week you could most likely find me at boxing inc. gym on stone. I don’t have any pics of my dick but I am cut and well over 7 inches looking for a woman between 30 to 50 years old


What does this tell us? People are weird. Which I am discovering more and more as I, not only read ads for fun, but as I date or meet men at bars, work, where ever. I am surrounded by men, more than half my friends and the majority of my co-workers. I love it, but let me tell you, boy am I scared.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Drunk e-mails

Last night when I got home from staying out way later then intended and drinking more than I wanted, I checked my space. A "friend" had stated that he was looking for a punk rock girl...and this is what I said:

sorry to disappoint you, but there is no such thing as "punk rock" girls anymore...the last of them died out in 1987...and if you meet one that claims to be "punk rock", run, run as fast as you can because those girls are the homogenized, mass produced vapid versions of something that doesn't exist anymore, you know, unless you like that kind of thing...just a little unwanted advice from your friendly neighborhood mal vicious...hahahaha

"punk rock is not a look...it's a way of life, it's a way of thought"


Rant much? I hate labels. With a fiery passoin. So my rant has some truth to it. The little girls running around claiming to be punk rock don't even know what punk rock is. They think its wearing studded belts and pink hair and listening to Good Charlotte. Like the quote above says, its a way of life and a way of thought. I can't even claim to be "punk rock". As far as music goes, these so-called punks would flee at the sight of Gigi Allen taking a shit on stage in the middle of a show. Or would cover their ears at the sound of Bad Brains or Crass. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

So the lessen of the day: don't write drunk e-mails to boys you don't know the day before you start your period.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating wednesday

What I have been wondering lately is 'what the fuck'? As in, what the fuck are they thinking. Take for example, this first ad:

HEY!! WHO WANTS A BABY ??? - 36

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-10, 6:45PM MST


Okay, so here's the deal. I am NOT going to IMPREGNATE YOU, unless you have...

1) A JOB!

2) A Checking AND a Savings Account -- WITH MONEY IN BOTH!!

3) A CAR -- that you service REGULARLY!

4) ZERO Debt!!!

5) NO Husband, NO Boyfriend, and NO children!

6) The ability to turn MENS heads!

7) And.... I'll tell you the REST later...


Alright, I don't have a checking account...damnit, I guess that counts me out. I mean, really? Really? I hope that this is a joke. Although I have an inkling that this guy is for real. He attached a picture to this ad, and well, he's not even good looking. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? One ugly baby coming up. Oh wait, nevermind. I do NOT want a baby with this man.

This week there were just so many wtf's that I couldn't decide on just one. So here's another, which, it really amazes me as to what people, namely men, really think about. Oh yeah, this is it:

Unique one!!! Do you like flashing? - m4w - 32

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-13, 1:21AM MST


Looking for someone that likes to flash in public. We go out and I shoot some pics of you flashing in public. If you want they can be shoots with no face. If this sounds like you give me a reply. Your pic gets mine.

I could be wrong, but is there a woman out there that would actually reply to, and go through with this guy? You find me that woman, and I'll get a tattoo of a big cock on my leg.

Last, but certainly not least, this last ad. It's hard to choose these. I actually have a folder for all the ads I find on here. Its insane. This last one is so simple, yet so acenine.

Want To Get Married? - 39

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-11, 9:39PM MST



Send Photo,,,, and details

Pick me, pick me, pick me! I want to get married. I mean, I don't really know what you look like, but I am SO desperate to attach myself to someone that I'll do it with a man I don't even know because I saw an ad in Craigslist. Sign me up.

What the fuck?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Urban legends: myth or reality

Today as the princess got into the car, she asked me about Bloody Mary. I'm sure there is no explanation needed as to who or what Bloody Mary is...but just in case. Legend has it that she was a murderous witch who was burned at the stake. Another variation is that she was a housewife who murdered her own children. There are a few more different stories as to her origins. I don't think anyone really knows.

The story goes if you stand in a dark room in front of a mirror and say "Bloody Mary" 3 times, she'll appear and scratch your face off. There are other rituals to summoning her, but I've only ever tried the one ritual. So when the princess brought it up, I was intrigued. I don't think I even knew about the myth until I was at least 8. She's only 6. She told me that she went into the bathroom by the playground at recess, with two of her friends...to protect her, of course...and recited the frightening words. She looked at me wide eyed as she recounted the events leading up to her decision to risk her life. I couldn't help but laugh because she was saying it in such a tone, trying to scare me no doubt. Oh that one, she's a pistol.

I told her we would look it up on the computer when we got home. So we did and I read to her all the variations of the stories of Bloody Mary. Now she's scared shitless. She didn't want to leave the corner of my bed. I kind of take a sick pleasure in their fear. Call me evil. Or call me a person. I mean, what's the point of having kids if you can't enjoy yourself from the hustle and bustle of everyday life once in a while. I'm just sayin'.

Monday, November 12, 2007

My new favorite thing

The other night as I was perusing the daily Craigslist casual encounters for my Adventures in Whoreland: webdating Wednesdays, I found myself trying to decipher some abbreviations. Some I'd never heard before. I decided to google the letters to see if I can figure out their meaning. I found something even better. Ladies and gentlemen, the Urban Dictionary. I think this is probably the best thing ever invented, and that is why I felt the need to post another blog. I knew it existed, but didn't really even think about it until I needed it. I'm bookmarking this website, that's for sure.

This is the last thing I looked up on there, therefore it is my word for the day:

1. PnP

"Party and Play" ... "party" means drugs, often meth (crystal/tina) or E, "play" means sex. Usually leads to long, chemmed-up sex sessions. Usually seen in chat room or ads.

SWM, 28, 6'2", 185#, 43c,32w, 8 cut, looking for some PnP with some nasty chicks

2. PnP

Seen most often in the gay community, slang for Party n' Play. Party refers to drug use- most often meth (tina, ice, crank) but sometimes ecstasy (E, XTC, Adam) cocaine (coke, blow, ski, snow), or poppers as well(though the latter is not generally considered a PnP item. Play refers to sex. PnP is considered a scene in itself- sex and drugs.

U into PnP?
Na, man, I don't touch that shit.


3. PnP

Used in chat rooms as the adreviation for "Party and Play". To meet have sex and alcohol or other drug.

Lets meet tomorrow at 2pm for PnP.

ALSO

1. p n' p

(pee-en-PEE) verb. abbreviation for party and play as relating to homosexual men engaging in sexual acts while high on methamphatimine (see p and p and crystal dick)

Tod: "Hey Tim. What are you doing this weekend?"
Tim: "I was invited to Tad's."
Tod: "Oh, that's right! Ted told me he got a teener.
Tim: "Yeah! Now I'll get laid."
Tod: "So, you guys are gonna p n' p huh?"
Tim: "I hope so."


2. p n' p

A slang term used in the porn film industry. An extreme close up of the "pucker and pimples", ie. ass shot. May or may not involve penetration.

"Zoom in closer- I wanna see p n' p"

Amazing.

Fashion Fascism at its best

There is nothing more I love than watching Style tv. Such shows as Clean House, Hot guys that cook, Split ends, How do I look? and so much more. One of my favorites though, has to be How Do I Look?. Finola Hughs helps poor fashion retarded people find a better look along with "accomplices". The accomplices are two friends, family members or a mix of both, along with a guest "fashion expert". The accomplices go through the fashion victims closet and pick out their worst clothes to throw out, but not before they basically rip the victim a new one about how they dressed before. More times than not, tears ensue. After the emotions fly, the accomplices go shopping and pick out three complete outfits for the victim to try and pick, along with a new hair do and make-up.

I have seen A LOT of bad dressers on that show. But today, as I watch, I can't help but feel a little enraged at how the accomplices are treating their victim. Today, we have a young, hip mom who is stuck in her "punk" dressing ways. She's a new wife and mom,as well as fully involved in her church. The accomplices are her mom, husband and some random "fashion expert" I've never heard of. Her moms little speech on why she doesn't want her dressing that way anymore wasn't too bad. I mean, typical mom "I don't want you to have your own style, I want you to dress like me" lecture. But the husband. He told her she turns him off by the way she dresses. Um, seems like she doesn't turn him off THAT much being that he married her and knew when he proposed she spend the rest of her life with him that her style was different, 1. and 2. he had sex with her to get a baby. The fashion victim had her own style, and while it could have used a little more maturity, I didn't see her dressing that badly. Usually the fashion victims dress bad. This time, it seemed to me that it was basically a "I don't like your original style so I'm going to make you look like everyone else" style change. I guess this hits a little close to home, not that any of my family members and/or friends have ever expressed distaste for my style (besides my piercings).

Another thing that annoyed me about this episode...they tossed out her whole wardrobe. Even all of her Chuck Taylors. All these clothes thrown out, only to be replaced with only three, count them, THREE outfits. How fucked up is that. Usually, only a few select items are tossed...not this time. In my own humble opinion, I believe that some people do need such fashion help as being embarassed on national television for the way that they dress, but this time, this time I think it was a little harsh and just trying to turn someone into something they're not. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

What I don't get is why can't people just accept us for who we are? I know that there are a lot of prejudices out in the "real" world, I'm a target for a lot of those. But does that mean we have to conform to sombody's idea of what normal, sexy or pretty is?

One Saturday morning, after my nephew's volleyball game, I was waiting for my sister to finish her conversation with the other moms when I saw an old lady who looked like what I imagine Paris Hilton will look like when she's 80. This lady was no where near 80 years old, but her skin was so tanned, yellowed and leathery that she looked 20 years her actual age. Dressed in a black velour track suit with Juicy emblazoned across her ass with bleached blonde hair so high she could give Amy Winehouse a run for her money and so much make-up spackled on her face she could open her own department store make-up counter. I don't understand how she can look in the mirror and think she looks good. Oh, I forgot about the overly big fake boobs. But who am I to judge. That's her style and how she prefers to present herself, so be it. She didn't feel the same about me. As she walked by cackling with her friend, she happened to glance at me and gave me the worst look of disgust I have ever gotten from anyone in my entire life. I was modestly dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. My hair though, and my jewelry and tattoos, that attracts the most attention. So I'm used to it. My sister was appalled. I just laughed it off. Society just teaches us as a whole to scoff at differences.

Well, what can you do? Maybe unconditionally love the person you marry or birthed no matter how they dress...I mean, of course unless they dress like hookers...but I'm just sayin'.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Eternally conflicted

There are times...many, many times...when I don't really know what to do. About anything, really. I feel restless and impotent. I guess I don't really know what I want, but I know there's something missing.

I know the obvious, not having my own home and missing that proberbial "perfect" mate....but I don't think that's it. The problem is, I never figure out what that is. There's this cycle I go through. I'm happy and fine with how things are going, then out of nowhere BAM, I'm restless and unable to get comfortable with...something. I often wonder if I will ever find what it is I'm looking for or if I'm destined to be THAT person that makes themselves miserable searching for something, anything, that isn't there. You know, just for the sake of it.

Or maybe sometimes I just over think things. Maybe I'm just creating things to "miss". Maybe there are just too many thoughts swirling around in my head and I just need to shove them aside and become one of those girls that doesn't think and/or speak her mind. I'm telling you, those girls have it made. Agreeable, bouncy, empty headed. They don't even have to make decisions! How great would that be? Ok, maybe not all that great, but it might be a relief every once and a while.

Neophyte isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating wednesday

Today, as I watched Sex and the City, I found myself wondering what the whole dating scene is all about. I've never really dated. I had a boyfriend in high school. Then I married him. After a split from the husband and a string of one night stands and friends with benefits, I got back together with the husband...which then ended after eightish or so years together. Then came the first actual boyfriend after the divorce. I wouldn't really say it was dating, so much as it was a string of nights at the bar and weekends in bed in hibernation from my friends. A rookie mistake, one that I hope to never make again. Apparently he didn't like going out in public with me...because then he couldn't find other girls to date. After him, I had a non-boyfriend. A guy who didn't spoil me like I'm used to and most definitely didn't take my shit. He was nice, caring and real good in bed. But in general, he was a little much to handle out in the real world and my friends didn't like him. Both "relationships" lasted about months.

Now all I'm left with are two friends with benefits, who have, as of late, been more friend and lacking in the benefit department. Frustrating as it is, I'm trying to deal with it. Those that know me well know that I am not one to go through "droughts", so to speak. I can say, however, that I'm dealing with it pretty well...regardless of the sometimes complaining I do while intoxicated. It also helps that in my free time (read: being a bum) my perusal of the daily "casual encounters" ads on Craigslist helps me to see that there are a lot of crazies in this world...I mean, I've met about half of them, but they were no where near as crazy as some of these guys.

Take for instance exhibit A:

wanna play war?

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-02, 8:16AM MST


I lay down and you blow the fuck out of me!

I wonder if he actually got any responses to that. And if he did, just who are these women that would actually stoop down to this level of anonynemity. Not anyone I know.

Then there's someone like this next example. I had to pick two because they both just took my breath away...I laughed so hard.

Trade shopping spree for breast milk.... - 39

Reply to:
Date: 2007-11-01, 4:52PM MST


Hi - I will treat you to a shopping spree at the mall in exchange for breast milk - you would be an attractive and clean single mom with large breasts ( really large ) race, weight, age un-important - but please be someone that takes care of herself.
Email for details...

Do you think he has mommy issues? You know Freud himself would have a field day with this one. There are so many aspects you can reach into to find out exactly why he would want the breast milk so bad. I could barely get the ex to test it on his wrist...much less want to take me out shopping in exchange for a refreshing swig.

Oh Craigslist. You may call it crazy, but I call it entertaining. It will either be our future or the downfall of our civilization. I'm betting on the latter.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Oh Halloween

I love Halloween. It has always been one of my favorite holidays. Though lately, it hasn't been what it used to be. First off, when I was a kid, I took so much pride in making my own costumes. I never bought the mass-produced packaged sluts-in-a-bag. When I was in 5th grade, I went to school as a baby. Yes, I said it, a baby. At the time my sister was taking care of our 30 year old mentally retarded cousin. She wore depends. So I "borrowed" one for my costume. I really wish I had pictures though. I wore just the diaper, a t-shirt, my baby bonnet and a huge pacifier. It was pretty rad. Then when I go home I costume changed for trick or treating into a zombie cheerleader. Now-a-days, my kids only want the pre-packaged costumes which is disappointing.

What's a girl to do. Throw a party, of course. I used to throw the best kids Halloween parties. Last year though, due to my break-up, I didn't host one and it was a big disappointment to the kids. So this year, without a loser holding me back, I planned one. Half-heartedly, but planned nonetheless. I proclaimed to Kendra that Saturday what a nerd I was because I stayed home regardless of the invites out I got, to stamp Halloween images onto the goody bags. I ran around all day Saturday to get ready. I borrowed Kendras house, made the food (with the help of Kendra and Nila) and decorated. The kids had a blast. We bobbed for apples, had a costume contest and they ran around like little maniacs.

That Justin's a surly little one...just like his mama!
DSCN0474

DSCN0477

DSCN0478

Did I mention I got a pinata?
DSCN0479

The genius was pissed because, being the tallest kid, he was last in line for the pinata and didn't get a chance to hit it. Poor guy, he's such a gentle giant.
DSCN0487

I think this was E-dawg's 15th apple bobbed. He was obsessed. "Aunt Mal, Aunt Mal! Take a picture of me again!"
DSCN0492

Best Costume:
DSCN0494

Most original costume
DSCN0495

Coolest costume
DSCN0496

Everyone
DSCN0498

Supergirl
DSCN0503

DSCN0518

Partied out
DSCN0522

I'd say it was a good time had by all.

After the kids were partied out and went home, Kendra, Kristin and I got ready for our adult party. Although I was pretty partied out already. Kids sure do have a way of wearing you out. We had fun, drank too much...the usual. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

But it was a good enough weekend.

Now on actual Halloween night, now that was tiring. The ex and I went along with Kendra and Justin to trick-or-treat. I cannot wait until they're old enough to go by themselves. After the extensive walking, the ex and I took the kids to The Haunt. A local haunted house that's been around for 8 years. We waited in line for WAY too long. After about an hour in line, the genius and I wandered up to the front to check out the wares for sale. As we were walking, I heard a gaggle of oh's and whoa's when all of a sudden I felt something peg me hard on the back of the legs. At first I though it was a rock because, well, it stung that bad. Then I felt it. Wetness dripping down my hand. It was egg. I let out a string of profanities and looked at the genius. He had been hit too, but he was wearing shorts and the egg was running down his legs and into his shoes. I. Was. Pissed. These a-holes drove down the street throwing eggs at everyone, cars included, but of course, the genius and I were the only ones hit. Just my luck.

As much as I love this holiday, I'm glad it's over. All this build-up and then, bam, it's over. Just like that.