Adventures in Whoreland: webdating wednesday

SWM SEEKS SWEET CANDY KITTY FOR HALLOWEEN BOBBING FOR FEMALE ORGASAM - m4w - 32

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Date: 2007-10-31, 8:29AM MST


SWM attractive seeks some Halloween fun during the day looking to go bobbing for an orgasam.Love to please women open to all races... Love sexy prego women. So are you going to give me a trick or treat?Ihave pics.Will be waiting.

This lovely, articulate ad was posted in the "Casual Encounters" section on Craigslist this morning. Happy Halloween, right? I do have to give the guy props for trying to come up with some semblance of a witty subject line. I also love how he adds in the "love sexy prego women". I mean really.

It's funny because there are a lot of ads in the "casual encounters" section where men are whining that no one ever answers their ads. I'm pretty sure it's because you posted a picture of your dick, you're married and are looking for no strings attached sex with someone you've never met, looking-for-sex-in-all-the-wrong-places-guy. Women...wait, let me rephrase this...decent, well-adjusted women don't reply to ads like that. From the men I've talked to, they either don't get responses to their million ads on there, or they end up in shady situations with women that are less than desirable. Oh, the humility of internet dating.

Some people just shouldn't breed

Another child dies in a car. In breaking news today, a mother of a 17 month old boy followed her usual routine on her way to work at a local Hooters...the only difference is that this time, she forgot to drop the baby off at daycare.

On the one hand, I feel bad for this woman. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to loose a child, and I hope I never have to feel that pain. On the other hand, how could you be so irresponsible as to leave your kid locked in a car for a whole shift at Hooters?! I'm not just passing blind judgement, trust me, I know the trials and tribulations of being a young, single mother. I have two kids and a "double", extremely busy life. Once a mother, its not hard to become scatter-brained. Especially while trying to juggle jobs, homelife and a baby. But come on. NO ONE can be that absent minded as to leave their child in a car for a whole Hooters waitressing shift.

I STILL to this day, check the backseat of the car before getting out. My youngest is 6. And boy, am I always running on Chicano time. I'm always late, to everything, have to run between mine and the ex's house to cart them to and from school...I pretty much live in my car. Much more so when I'm in school. However, I always manage to SOMEHOW get my kids to where they need to go no matter how late I'm running. Or how many things are on my mind. Even when I was a typical teenage mom. Trying to balance a new baby, new marriage and working a full-time job so the ex could finish high school. The concept of running around like a chicken with its head cut off is not lost on me.

Sometimes I just think that some people should not reproduce. Sterilization may not be the perfect solution, but it's the first that comes to mind.

Malice, mistress of the dark

I'm watching a newish reality show Search for the next Elvira, and I just have to say that I could blow more than half of these girls out of the water. Big boobs...check. Love of the dark...check. Valley girl speak...check. Bubblegum sense of humor...check. If I would have known about this beforehand, well, I still wouldn't have tried out, but its nice to know that I would have wanted to. I have watched her show and movies since my dad first introduced me to horror movies when I was the tender age of five. One can only hope.

Web-dating Wednesday

So I have decided that Wednesdays will be a day of web-dating phenomena. Since I have a multitude of e-mails for my book and I still forage the "scene" for material, I thought I'd give you little snipets for sheer enjoyment. I know they make me laugh, so why not share the love. This week, I found what has to be my favorite ad posted on Craigslist. This is an actual ad posted. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Enjoy:

Many women consider bimbos to be the worst of the female stereotypes; a giggling, vacant-eyed sexpot, who is obsessed with make-up and clothes and, of course, with men. Bimbos cater to men's sexual fantasies, usually at the expense of their own... or they allow the man's fantasies to become their own! Blonde hair, big tits and revealing clothes along with a slutty-but-dumb-and-helpless personality, the bimbo makes herself into a man-magnet, landing as many sexual partners as she can and eventually landing a husband - or better yet, a "sugar daddy"- to take care of her financial needs.

But do men really prefer bimbos? According to a recent study at the University of Michigan, the answer is YES. Men appear to prefer "less accomplished" women as possible mates - and women who are "relatively subordinate" to them.

Another study, from four British universities, found "that a high IQ is a hindrance for women wanting to get married while it is an asset for men." To quote this article:

" The study found that the likelihood of marriage increased by 35 percent for boys for each 16 point increase in IQ.

But for girls, there is a 40 percent drop for each 16 point rise, according to the survey by the universities of Aberdeen, Bristol, Edinburgh and Glasgow.

The study is based on the IQs of 900 men and women between their 10th and 40th birthdays. "

So, in other words, the dumber a girl is, the better her chances at landing a man, something I already knew. But being a bimbo isn't just about finding a guy to marry. Consider these other wonderful bimbo benefits:

• Bimbos are happier than most people!

• Bimbos only concern themselves with things they enjoy (which usually boils down to MAKEUP, CLOTHES and SEX).

• Bimbos get to have sex. A LOT.

• Bimbos have fewer inhibitions, which leads to a more fun, adventurous lifestyle!

If some or all of these things sound appealing to you, congratulations! You just may have what it takes to be MY bimbo!

But at this point, you may be saying to yourself "Oh no! I'm a smart, accomplished career woman! Is it TOO LATE for me?!?" Don't worry honey, I am here for you! Stick with me, and we'll have you turned into a dumb, blonde, giggling bimbo slut in no time! It may take a lot of work, or just a new attitude, but you CAN tap your inner bimbo!

and Remember "FAKE TITS ROCK!"

Boy, if these statistics are true, then I know I'm screwed. Too bad I don't feel the need to dumb myself down for men. I just don't think its worth it. Although I do know, from interviewing a lot of different people that guys ARE less intimidated by not-so-sharp women. One guy told a friend that the reason he doesn't date women like me, for example, is because "she seems too cool and really smart. That would make me feel dumb."...who knew that men were so insecure. Oh wait, from my experience with dating, or lack there of, I've KNOWN that men were that insecure. Hello, only the insecure ones break up with you through e-mail. I'm pretty sure that the ex-husband is one of the few men I know who is NOT so insecure and intimidated by smart women. Not that I'm a genius (read: damn close) but we did practcally grow up together.

Well, this ad made me laugh, and I hope it makes you laugh as well. It's really the simple things in life that I find amusing.

Get under my skin, why don't you

I admit it. There are a lot of things that irritate me. For the most part, I'm pretty laid back and, well, meh. But for those who know me best know I'm easily irritated. One of the things that has been getting on my nerves lately are those guys that walk around asking you if you want them to do some body work. Insert clever pun here. They're always dirty, transient looking type men. Granted, they're out trying to make a decent living rather than taking the easy way out on a street corner, but really? I'm not going to pay a man that comes into my shop at 9 p.m. on a friday night asking if that's my Honda out there. "I can do body work right now. Sixty dollars", he says. There has been an onslaught of these propositions as of late. Every where I go, every where I turn, there they are. The most recent ambush was yesterday afternoon while I was at the Auto Zone buying a new battery. I was standing by the registers awaiting the return of my knight in shining armor, aka the man switching out my battery, when an unkempt foreign man, while perusing a hunting magazine, shouted at me from across the store. "Hey, is that your Honda out there?", he asked in broken English. Yes, I replied, that was my car. "You want, I do body work. Real fast, I fix it." I thanked him kindly and told him I didn't have any money for that. He gave me an odd look and went back to reading his magazine, but not without mumbling under his breath in some undecipherable language, probably bad mouthing me. He then put the magazine back on its rack, shot me a dirty look and stormed out of the store. I mean, really? He's going to play it like that? THAT is NO way to get good business. He really ground my gears.

The other thing that has been playing my grumpy chord is people that don't know what personal space is. A woman, tellingly drunk, waltzed into the shop. She rambled on about how she kind of sort of wants a tattoo and/or piercing, but wasn't sure what. It was slow and I was bored of cleaning, so I chatted with her a bit. She then noticed my unfinished quarter sleeve on my left arm. She walked up to me and before I could move away, she reached out and started STROKING MY ARM! I know, I call for attention with all my adornments, but that does not in any way shape or form mean that I want strangers, probably with dirty hands, touching me. She literally stroked my arm with BOTH hands. Up and down and all around. Ick. I get nauseous just thinking about it. Don't people KNOW about the bubble? "Come one, come all! But ladies and gentlemen, please DO NOT touch the Incredible Tattooed Woman! She is very tempermental and may bite your arm off! I repeat, DO NOT touch the circus freaks!"

A very weird nutshell

1. Last night I got tattooed! There's nothing more that I love than a fresh tattoo. I mean, besides my kids. I got it on my knuckles and boy, did it hurt like a mother...Here are some pictures of my loooooong night with Jason Kralovetz...he pretty much rocks at tattoos:

2. Today I got pierced. Yeah, I know, I should a. slow down and b. I probably don't need anymore holes in my face. But you know what? I WANT more holes in my face. One thing that people close to me know is that when I want something, I get it. It's just how I am. I was pretty much raised like an only child considering Nila got married when I was only 12...needless to say, after that, I got everything I asked for. Including a tattoo when I was only 16. But I'd persistantly asked...and I got it. Yay me. But I digress. Here is a picture of my new piercings. One thing I do have to say though is that they're not that cute yet because the barbells I have in are very long. The very second I can change them out, I am. The barbells are very obtrusive and I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose weight from having these. It's very hard to eat...one liquid diet please. So, here it is...my newest accoutrements:

3. With newly tattooed knuckles and ugly silver barbells sticking out of my cheeks, I made my way to the Sunridge learning center for the kids' parent/teacher conferences. It often gives me a slight (usually irritated) joy to see the other parents' faces when I walk by. Their surprise that someone like me has kids...their disgust at my many body modifications...the surprise that not only do I look too young to have a 10 year old, I actually take an interest in their education and attend such inane things as parent/teacher conferences. The genius' teacher is used to me. We get along well, so that went well. I am ecstatically happy to report that he is doing great thus far. Last year was a constant struggle and string of groundings because he wouldn't do his homework, bring things home, blah blah blah. But now? Now he's doing everything he's supposed to do and I'm stoked. So far, I don't have to be mean mommy. I think it helps that the princess is under duress as well about doing all her work. She brags about how good she is at science and math and how the teacher gives her accelerated works. It seems to be a competition. Which hey, if it gets him doing well in school, then compete away kids, compete away. The princess' conference went well also. Her teacher said she's real mature for a first grader, she's bright, a fast learner, popular...but she talks and socializes too much. Flash back to my school days. This is the first year we've had this teacher. I explained to her that we are a family of talkers. Every. Single. One of us. She half giggled. I don't think she really gets my sense of humor. All in all, her report was excellent as well. Sigh of relief.

4. On a totally unrelated note, there are some commercials that really bug me. But there's one in particular that really grinds my gears. It's a diet pill ad. Their logo is "We couldn't say it on tv if it wasn't true". I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, television was a cornucopia of finely weaved lies...not only in sitcoms, but in commercials as well as the news. Go figure.

On that note, I'm going to call it an early night even though I'm supposed to go out to celebrate a friends graduation. I'm strangely exhausted and just want to sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep has been a foreign subject for me lately, and I would very much so like to get reacquainted.

Out of the mouths of babes

E-dawg (nephew 1): "Do you know who created the world and everything in it Aunt Mal?"

Trist (nephew 2): "Yeah, Bob Marley."

Made me laugh so hard, I'm almost tempted to write the texting slang for 'laughing my ass off'...ALMOST. That is the lesson of the day. Learn it, love it, live it.

I rule

I rule
My poem, Severed Vision has won the editor's choice award...yeah, I pretty much rule. What does this award get me? My poem published in some hard-bound "anthology" book and also read on a cd of poems. Yeah, I'd rather have money. But, poetry.com and the international library of poetry deemed my poem good enough for these so-called publications. Yay for me. Here's my poem, enjoy:

Severed vision

Eyes don't see what's really there
Always blind to everything
Bumping into walls, nonexistent
Bruises and scars galore
With nothing to heal them but pain
Catching flashes here and there
Everything's now in disarray
Searing hot is the chaos,
The words,
In the burned retina

Mal Nolan

The couch ate my daughter

A few things

Just a few things that are currently occupying my already over flowing mind.

1. This morning as my sister and I were o our way to breakfast, she. Called. Me Britney! As in Britney Spears, the shitty mom. *gasp* Its a good thing she was just kidding. It's funny how people have taken to referring to bad parenting and/or going pantieless as a "Britney". Damn that girl needs help.

2. I have a date on Sunday. With a guy I really like. Its weird for me to say that since, get ready for it, I haven't actually met him in person. We've been talking on the phone a lot. Crazy, I know, but what's a girl to do. And no, this was NOT a Craigslist hook-up. We all know how terribly wrong that went with me. But I digress. I do, however, have to admit that the butterflies are back in full force. It's a love/hate thing with me and the butterflies. But I feel them. And I'm not really sure what to think about it. Of course, my wall has gone up, but there's bricks poked out here and there for a little something, something. We'll see how this budding relationship goes. When I told Kendra about him I was giving her his details. He's 37 and has three kids that don't live with him. His oldest is 18. Kendra says to me, "Are we really at the point in our lives where we're starting to date guys with 18 year old kids?!" Apparently, I am.

3. Today is my nephew Tristan's birthday. He is now 11. Nila and I were talking about how its so weird that in only 5 short years he'll be old enough to drive. Scary. I was telling him this morning how I remembered the day of his birth. My mom woke me up at five in the morning. I was, at the time, about a month pregnant with the genius, so not in the best of moods. Especially considering that she'd had about three false alarms previously and I was convinced that this was one as well. I went back to sleep. Now here he is, growing up before my very eyes. Precious indeed.

4. I went out last night and drank way too much. Well, I don't really think I drank too much as I hadn't eaten anything since my only meal at 2 and I was drinking on an empty stomach. Bad idea. I actually managed, though, to wake up early, have breakfast with my sister and do a little shopping. All while extremely hungover. I'm getting too old for this. I most definitely plan on minimal, if at all, drinking this weekend. The sober life: for me? We'll see.

I guess that's it for now. It's so hard for me sometimes to get everything in my mind down at one time. I'm easily distracted and have the memory of an 80 year old with alzheimer's. A.D.D. may not be the right disease, but its the first that comes to mind.

Meeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Oh. So. Tired. I worked today during the day. I normally work at night. I prefer the night. I wore a pair of new Vans slip-ons. With thick socks. Bad idea. Feet hurt. Made the mistake of going out last night. Damn piercers and artists. They make you drink shots of Patron. Ick. Bad idea. Cutting hair tonight. Bad idea. Dinner date. After dinner date. Might be bad ideas. After all, its a week of bad ideas so far. It's only Tuesday. Wonder what the rest of the week holds for me. Hopefully the end holds a trip to San Diego. IF I get the check I'm waiting for. If not, I'm stuck in Hellzona for who knows how long. At least the weather is waaaaaaaay nicer. But still...would like to get away for the last time this summer.

To tired to write anymore. Rest until the client calls. There is most definitely NO GOOD REST for the wicked.

Never judge a book by its cover

Raising kids these days is real hard. I'm not gonna lie. Especially considering the fact that kids are doing things earlier and earlier than ever before. I know, besides my short-comings, I am a fully capable young mother. But honestly, I don't like kids. I like my kids. I like the wife's kid. I even like my nephews (sometimes one more than the other). Kids in general, however, not really my thing. The other day I mentioned to my sister how I hated kids. She said I was mean. I laughed and told her that, OBVIOUSLY, I liked our kids, but other kids, just bug the shit out of me.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

One thing is for sure though. My kids are two of the smartest and well behaved children. I'm not just saying that because they're mine. One night the wife and I took the brood out the Chuck E. Cheese's. Normally we get stared at...tattoos, piercings, studded belts. We're used to it. Although this night was particularly irritating because the looks were judgemental, at best. Most people think that since we're young and "alternative" looking, we can't possibly be good parents. Our kids were the best behaved ones there. Kids running wild, ripping shit up, knocking shit down, screaming, breaking shit...granted we were at a kids restaurant, but I believe that there is a certain decorum that even the little ones can follow while out in public. My kiddos have a very structured life. Yes, sometimes (read: a lot of the time) things get crazy or I get lazy, but for the most part, homework at the same time every night, the same bed time for sure and baths every other night. Blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.

I'm used to getting dirty, curious and straight up confused looks. But the looks that really grind my gears are the ones when I'm out with my kids. Yes, I not only look too young to have a 10 AND a 6 year old, I also have numerous tattoos and piercings, but that does not mean I don't know how to take care of my mini-me's. Chances are my kids are smarter, cooler, funnier, radder, more well behaved and tougher than your kids. So there. Discrimination isn't the right personality flaw, but its the first that comes to mind.