I've said it before, and I'll say it again

Ugh. I had half a blahg written out...but then I realized it was just a bunch of senseless bullshit that no one, not even me, would want to read. Wow, I'm kind of on a downward spiral when it comes to my blahging lately. Maybe it's the pressure of knowing how many people read these on a daily basis. The pressure to always be witty, funny or even somewhat interesting. The pressures getting to me man. I can't take it!

Or maybe it's just that nothing really interesting, funny and/or witty has happened in my life lately. Mostly a day in my life has consisted of school, kids and, well, nothing really. Well, nothing worth mentioning or that I should really talk about. I mean, I could go on about my sore throat. Or my most recent crush(es). My lack of a (current) sex life. My hair color class fun. Oh look, I do have stuff to talk about. And here I thought my life was boring.

Recumbant isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind.

Something a lot of people don't know about me is that I like to read tarot cards. I do my own readings mostly, because I do get kind of shy doing it for other people. Sometimes I'm a show off, and sometimes I hide my abilities. It's who I am...contradictory. Anyway, I did a couple of different readings for myself yesterday and for the most part, were good. There is a recurring card that keeps coming up, I won't bore you with the details, and I can't help but have hope that what I'm seeing will truly come to pass. I know it sounds weird to most people, but for the most part my readings are spot on. I don't talk about it much though...like I said, I'm a little shy about it. But the recurring card is plagueing my mind. It has something to do with a boy. Describes him perfectly. And the surrounding cards tie in so good. I just have to stop thinking about it. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, something interesting will happen in my life. You know, for sake of blahging.

Ok, so besides the whole boring life, tarot cards thing, I am really enjoying my color class. I absolutely love it. But one thing's for sure, if you're coming to me for a color, make sure you're probably not going to be going anywhere, because I'm messy. I already have color all over my white shirt.

So, I guess that's it. Nothing too exciting (read: boring). As my father would say...Sin fin.

Side note

There is this boy I've been in love with since I was 19. He is often referred to as my "one and only" in my blahgs. He is, unfortunately for me, unavailable (read: married). Anyway, the wife and I were talking about him the other night and flashbacking to when we were 19 and extremely wasted, which was most of the time. He was hanging out with us and she ALMOST convinced me to go into the room he was in alone, and bust out a rendition of Cheap Trick's "I want you to love me". Good thing I didn't listen. That could have been highly awkward and embarassing. I was literally thisclose to singing to him. That is all. I just thought of it and it still makes me laugh. Oh the stupid shit we did when we were young.

You don't say

It's kind of weird when I'm left alone all day to my own devices. I'm not used to it. And when I'm alone, there's quite a bit of inner monologue-ing. And a tiny bit of depression. I think the depression will pass though once I'm used to all this free time again. At least on Mondays.

But it was relaxing. I started on the first chapter of my (read: one of many) books, titled: One girl's demise to insanity, an internet dating "not-to" . It's a working title, but I thought it was funny. Yes, I AM easily amused. But really, I started on it. And about 3 cross outs later, I got the opening sentence right. The opening sentence is the most important since that's what is going to catch the reader. I'm pretty stoked about it. Of course, the one reader that I'm going to try an catch the most is my father. After all, who wouldn't want a "journalism icon" to approve of your book. And then of course, the sister. Also a writer in her own right, she's a big reader. So her opinion is highly regarded. Of course, this will probably take me about at least a year to write. Being that I actually only have two free days a week...not to mention the problem of no computer so it will be hand written...oh yeah, and the fact that I'm a procrastinator. But in due time. Time flies after all...I can't believe it's almost February. A month commercialized by hallmark for a holiday that didn't even REALLY have anything to do with love and presents. I'm just saying.

I've also psuedo-created (read: haven't actually written, but have the idea) a character for a children's book. That should be fun, and interesting. Considering how sometimes dirty...well, "adult"...some of my writing can be. Meh. If I can mother two children, I can do this as well.

Speaking of children, when I picked up the princess from school today, the teacher told me that she's a little mathmetician. I'm so proud. I have a nerd in the family. Not really...she's not a nerd, just, apparently, smart. Oh, kids these days.

I'm tired. And worded out. Too much writing makes Mal a tired girl.

The crazy...it runs in the family

This week has been a bevy of drinking and not enough sleep. I know I've talked about this before, but I'd just like to reiterate. My insomnia has been gone for a short while, but lately, since I seem to not be able to go to sleep before 3am, my sleep pattern has been fucked up.

But I'm ending this week with a bang. Day drinking is always fun on a Sunday afternoon. I mos def need to cut the drinking on school nights. My mommy says so.

So, I'm real sorry that I haven't really had anything deep and/or meaningful to say in my blahgs lately. Alcoholism does that to you.

Cat tail biter isn't the right name, but it's the first that comes to mind.

My bleeding heart

I've gone out way too much this week. Happy birthday to me, right.

Too much drinking, not enough sleep. I need to stop going out on school nights.

Speaking of school, I've got a lot more clients coming back for more. Oh yeah, I'm that good. And other students ready to graduate handing off their clients to me. I'm so proud. Let's have some drinks and celebrate.

Lush isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind.

A night in the life of a camera whore

Here are some pics from my birthday party. It was good times, my friends, good times.

He was pretty much the hit of the party. Ya, he stole my thunder

The after party...complete with guitar hero

Clint petered out early...at least he stayed up later than midnight!

This was the next day...don't I look lovely?

I'm a young gun

Apparently I look anywhere from 18 to 25 to all the girls at my school. And you know what? I love them all for that.

Most of them are usually surprised to hear that I even have kids. It's amazing and a ginormous ego boost...especially considering my recent birthday.

Speaking of birthdays, I spent my actual day yesterday pretty mellow. I slept in the morning, a lot, and cried a little (read: pmsing). Then I went to the Methodist church in Tempe for a charity thing where we cut homeless people's hair. It was interesting to say the least. But pretty rad...what with the fuzzy little feeling you get inside from helping those less fortunate than yourself. Then it was off to Jupes for drinks. I wasn't even going to drink that much, but 5 pitchers and a shot later, I was drunk. I rolled into my house at around 2:30 am and passed out. It goes without saying that I've been tired and grumpy all day. Time for bed.

I had a good past couple of days. Although, the one thing I wanted, I didn't get. And I probably shouldn't say this on here since the sister and dad read it, but I really don't care right now since they know I got my kids SOMEHOW...I really wanted to have me some birthday sex. That's all. That's all I wanted. But no. I got shot down. Which never happens. And boy am I fiending. Boo.

Ok, so pms and no sex aside, I'm fairly happy right now. It's probably just all the sugar from the highly potent cupcakes I've eaten tonight. Yes, I said cupcakes...as in plural...as in more than one. Man, I'm probably going to gain back those 20 pounds I lost. Stupid being a girl.

Um, ya...the sugar is going to my head. I should just end it here...you know, cause I'm starting to draw a blank.

Sugar coma isn't the right malady, but it's the first that comes to mind.

I don't even know what to title this one

It' official. I am oficially another year older. Another year closer to 30. And another year closer to insanity.

On a cold winter morning in January, exactly 28 years, 2 hours and 6 minutes ago, a little bundle of joy was born. Coming into a family of a writer father, a college coed and a 7 year old sister, Malintzin (no middle name) Olvera began her life. With big brown eyes and a full head of black spiky hair, I won everyone over. Not much different from today.

But really...I wonder what my parents and sister must think of me now. Not knowing what was in store for my life. Not knowing how I would turn out. I know I wonder the same thing about my kitties. Maybe they did. Growing up, my nieghborhood nickname was "Tornado". True story. I was blunt, outspoken, loved to wear dresses while climbing trees, loved to roller skate and mos def got my way the majority of the time. Sound familiar?

It has been quite a ride, this life of mine, that's for sure. And, for the most part, I've enjoyed almost every minute. Even the bad ones. After all, you have to gain life experience somehow, right.

Old timer's disease isn't the right phrase, but it's the first that comes to mind.

What a year it's been

Last night was my b-day party...*ahem* mine and Clint's b-day party. It pretty much ruled.

I was still drunk til about 2 hours ago. You know when that happens that you had a good time. Not to mention the fact that I was up for an entire 24 hours. But was still have keg left, so let the drinking commence and continue.

I think that that's all I've got to say right now. I'm extremely tired and out of it, my mind's a complete blank.

And the birthday fun is mos def not over yet.

If you gave a caveman bubblegum

Would he know what to do with it? So I guess that's pretty much what I'm thinking right now. Don't know why, and don't really care enough to try and figure out why.

I actually had something worthwhile and witty to say, but I got distracted by watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Damn that movie sure knows how to kill brain cells.

Tomorrow is my birthday party. Monday is the holy day. I'm still obsessing about turning old. I can't help it. Everybody just scoffs at me when I mention it...older or younger than me. The 20 year olds tell me I'm not even that old (they really heart me) and the older ones just pffffftttttt me and roll their eyes. Whatever. I feel as though I'm old. Especially since I've got a 9 year old who's almost as tall as me who could possibly be going through puberty soon.

How does that happen?! His teacher told me his increasing ticks and ocd could be a sign of puberty, since things like that heighten with the onslaught of hell *ahem* puberty. I mean, I remember the embarassment of developing early (read: having big boobs at the tender age of 10) but I never imagined it might happen early to my very own flesh and blood. Well, I guess all I can say about that is I can't wait to call him Peter Brady. Good times.

This weekend is punk rock bowling in Vegas. I've always wanted to go. But considering I can't even afford regular bowling in Mesa, it wouldn't happen for me ever. But I do get to have a bitchin' birthday party. Bring on the politically incorrect and easily offendable. Drinking and offending, two of my favorite things in this whole wide world.

I inherited the alheimer's

For some reason, lately everytime I start to write a new blahg, I'll re-read it, you know, for grammatical and spelling errors and such, cause I'm anal like that, and then I'll end up deleting it and writing something comepletely different.

I think...I don't know what I think. Meh, I have been feeling a little empty lately. I'm not really sure why. I guess it's one of those things that you just can't explain.

It's not that I'm sad per se, just...blah. I'm not going to try and read into it too much, but maybe, just maybe, it's because there's nothing exciting going on. I mean, I love school and I'm really happy I'm doing this with my life..but right now that's all I have going for me. There's just no spark...no spice in my life. Just...things...happening. Happening around me, some of which I have no control over. But those things just seem, mostly...insignificant isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind.

Maybe it's because I've been so completely busy lately. I've been used to a certain amount of freedom which, as of late, has been virtually non-existent. Especially with the strict 40 hours a week school days. Meh, I'm sure I'll get over it soon. I always do, right?

Alright, I'm done. I keep getting distracted (read: spacing out).

So I leave you with this, since it's almost my birthday, how about you guys chip in for a gift for me...remember that padded room with a view I've been wanting for quite some time now? Well, chip in and get me that. And maybe some percs. Best birthday present EVER.

Now as my father would write...Sin Fin.

I don't speak mute

Once upon a time when I had a boring office job and only about 2 hours of work a day, I sat on the computer constantly. During my explorations of the world wide web, I came acoss the Miriam-Webster dictionary website. It quickly became a favorite haunt of mine, especially since there was a "word of the day, which I consistently posted daily. Today is one of those days. My love of words was put on hold for a short while, but it's back my friends, oh, it's back. So here it is, my word for the day. Actually, it's not the word for today, it's from last week I think, but I didn't like today's word...it was pretty lame. Here it is...try and use it in a sentence today.

unabashed • \un-uh-BASHT\ • adjective
: not disconcerted : undisguised, unapologetic

I want the butterflies back

Last night I went to my friend Mary's wedding. It was beautiful and a lot of fun. But while there, I couldn't help but think of my broken engagement. It mad me sad. But just for a little bit. Because then I started dancing with all my friends and having a good time. And while I know now that getting married then would have been one of many mistakes in my life, I couldn't help but shed a tear for it. Then came more dancing and the sorrow seemed to lift. My date for the wedding was the wife and we shared a table with our friends and it was perfect.

I'm no longer shedding a tear for what could have been. It helps that I know he hasn't been dwelling on me since I was so easily forgotten...what with his getting a girlfriend and then engaged within a month of him dumping me. But now I see the light. And this morning, i deleted all the e-mails he ever sent me.

I have officially moved on.

The only thing though is that I think the butterflies have flown the coup so to speak. I haven't had any butterflies for anyone lately and I miss them. Not even the boy I "hang out" with sometimes who I actually like. I need to get those butterflies back. I'm sure it will happen in time. Until then, I'll be here, going with the flow. Because whatever happens, happens. After all, I can't rush life, otherwise I'm liable to miss something.

One way ticket to Arizona

Our short trip is over. Currently in the middle of no where, New Mexico it's raining, cloudy and really windy. The weather forecast for today is pensive with a chance of light inebriation.

Yesterday we had a busy day. Starting off with the funeral which started at the funeral home, where we were offered a last viewing of the body. I didn't want to partake. Although the kids were enthralled with the whole situation. It being their first open casket funeral. They did good though. After the funeral home it was off to the old mission church that was built in the 1500's for the mass. Then the burial ground. We drove all over El Paso with a hearse. Crazy. After all that praying, driving and the buffet, we went to Socorro which is where my grandma lived before. Amongst the boxes of old 80's porno mags and dead mice living in her old trailer, we found some photo albums. Boy were there some funny pictures in there. And boy did I go through an ugly phase.

But after all the porno mag and bitchin picture time, we went to visit my dad. It was good seeing him. He gave me a paper that had an article about hm being and El Paso icon...journalism's living legend. Pretty amazing. Who knew that both my dad and I woud famous in our respective cities. Oh wait, you mean I'm not really famous?

While it was a short and exhausting trip, I'm glad I came. All the crying aside, I had fun and plan on going back real soon. At least sooner than a couple of years. For Dia de los Muertos for sure. In Mexican culture it's one of our long lasting ritual. And while my family and I don't really follow through with it, now that my grandma is the one that's buried now, we plan on following the tradition.

I'm starting to ramble now. Being on the road will do that to you. Take a few drinks. A few hits. Repeat.

My ass is sore...and other tales from the road

Well here I am on the road to El Paso. I forgot how exhausting it is to drive seven plus hours with 4 kids. Constant whining and complaints of being tired, "I have to pee" and " I'm hungry"...oh ya, and the fighting. Boy do these kids know how to fight.

We were just at a rest stop just outside of Las Cruces and I completely forgot that fireworks are legal here. Ya, it's pretty safe to say that I'm getting some on my way back home. Bitchin'.

My ass is sore. And not in the "I just got some anal" (not that that would ever happen)...but in the "I've been sitting on it for way too long" way.

Not to mention that I feel like shit...still. Last night as I was home packing I decided to have a little fun. Three percosets, four beers and a few hours of sleep later I was throwing up. It was pretty knarly, especially considering I hadn't eaten anything since four o'clock the previous evening. I went back to sleep and woke up another few hours later to pick the kitties up from their dad's ad I was pretty sure I was going to have to pull over. Fortunately that didn't happen, but I did worship the porcelain gods once again when I got home. Horrible, horrible bile.

Don't take a few drinks. Don't take a few pills. And definitely don't repeat.

And away I go

We're taking off to El Paso tomorrow. I haven't been back there for about 2, maybe, 3 years. It should be interesting. I'll get to see hundreds of my cousins that I haven't seen for a while. Though the reason we're meeting up is a sad one.

So, the way the whole Mexican/Catholic funerals go is first we have a rosary. Basically, it's a mass service where everybody cries and where I, at this particular one, have to read my poem in front of everybody.
It's all about sending the departed off to heaven...basically talking them up to the man upstairs so they can get into the Gates of Heaven. You can imagine how much fun that will be for me being that I never go to church or believe in all that mumbo jumbo. But that's ok, I'll get over it. After the service, it's off to drink cervezas and party it up like we Mexicans know how to do.

The next day is the actual funeral/burial. There's another mass with the body in an open casket in the front for the viewing throughout the whole service. I'm used to it, but most people think it's pretty creepy. Meh. Then comes more cerveza, music and, if we're drunk enough, dancing.

So that's going to be my next few days in a nutshell.

Well, with nothing really clever or witty to say, I'll end this here. Fairly out of it, I took a nap at about 5 this evening and upon waking at 7, I was under the delusion that it was tomorrow morning and I was freaking out for about 15 minutes. I'm smart like that.

Take a few drinks. A couple pills. Repeat.

Ode to my grandmother

Last Wednesday I sat with my grandmother at the hospice for a few hours so that I could relieve my mom for a few hours. She was a chatty kathy that day. Talking about certain family members, alive and dead, good memories and pretty much anything that came to her depreciating mind.

When my mom arrived, I said goodbye to her and she looked at me, with tears in her eyes, and asked me not to leave. "Don't go mija. Stay here with your mom and me. You have to be a good girl for your mom and help her out. Don't go mija." Those were the last words she spoke to me. The next day she became incoherable and pretty much out of it.

After I left the hospice I went straight home and, with tears spilling out of my eyes like Niagara Falls, wrote this poem. The end of the poem was inspired by another poem a good friend told me about in which we are reminded that the epitaph on a persons grave is not as important as that dash between the dates, wherein lies the life that person lived. This is dedicated to my grandma, a wonderful and beautiful mother, sister, friend, grandmother, person. No one met her that didn't like her. She was amazing. May she rest in peace.

Untitled

She talks as she slips
Stories past, she still remembers
Trying to leave
She's bound to us
Tears escape from unwilling eyes
Should I go?
Memories of dead babies
Brothers, non-existent
She doesn't want to stay
Incoherence, her only friend
Should I stay?
Still so beautiful, never-ending
Oh so strong
Grandmother atlas
Her life was resplendant
Her self, luminescent
Forget the dates
Remember the dash

Te amo abuelita.

Sadness reigns again

My grandmother died today. Early this morning actually. I got the call at 2am but I didn't want to face it so I stayed out drinking. Now I have to go home and cry. We've known it was coming, but it's still hard to lose someone so close. Time to face the music.

A decade of madness

Lately I've been obsessing about my impending birthday. Turning 28, I know, isnt that bad. But still, it's another year closer to 30.

I looked back on this last decade and this is what I flashbacked:

♠Age 18- Graduated high school. Married my high school sweetheart. Gave birth to the genius. All in that order.
♠Age 19- Got dumped by my (then) husband. Met the wife. Started my foray into the (sometimes) wonderful world of drugs. Discovered boys.
♠Age 20- More drugs. More parties. More boys. Toured a lot with the Hippos. The contest. (honestly, I barely remember that year...oh, it was the year I was nominated worlds best mom)
♠Age 21- I spent the beginning of this year completely stoned. It was my pothead phase. But it was fun. More boys. My mother-in-law passed away (very sad and depressing). Started sleeping with the husband again. Moved to San Francisco for a bit. Boys. Move back. Ended the year finding out I was preggers with the princess. Got back together with the husband.
♠Age 22- Pregnant and huge. Gave birth.
♠Age 23-24- Did the mom/housewife thing. Joined AxZx Roller Derby.
♠Age 25- A lot of shows. Seperated from the husband.
♠Age 26- Roller derby. Married the wife in vegas. Boys, boys and more boys. (are you seeing a pattern here?)
♠Age 27- Parties. Random drunken trips. San Diego...a lot. My forray into the internet dating scene for my yet to be finished book. Got myself a boyfriend. Got (a little too early I might add) engaged. Favorite uncle died. Got (brutally, in my eyes at least) dumped. Moved a zillion times. Found out my grandma has cancer and is dieing.

So, that was a decade in the life of Mal Vicious. Writing it out seems a lot more boring than it actually was, but I like lists and that seemed the easiest way to show you what's been going on. As a side note, in between all the madness, there were a ton of trips to Cali, Vegas (what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, by the way), Seattle, New York...basically, I was Suzy Travelsalot. But all in all, I'd say it was pretty interesting. Some days, some months, some years worse than others, but I got through it all and, surprisingly, stayed alive.

If ya'll have actually read this whole thing, kudos to ya'll and remind me next time ya'll see me for a special surprise, cause ya'll deserve it for reading and putting up with my shit for this long. In conclusion, I've learned a lot, not only from my mistakes, but from the people that have wandered in and out of the rabbit hole otherwise known as my life. Whether the experience with any of these people was bad or good, I've come out of it with new understandings and overall experiences. And who knows what this year will bring me, but like I said before...whatever happens, happens.