Sunday, December 31, 2006

What a year, what a life


I've been thinking about the past year lately, and a lot of it was bullshit. I've rolled with the punches though and survived everything with a somewhat new, if not jaded, view on my life, and the world at large. As I was discussing the events of my not so boring past year with a client yesterday, I thought to myself that I was going to have a good year in 2007. Not to say that it will actually happen, but you never know.

I'm not generally one to be an optimist, but I wouldn't consider this optimistic...I consider it...determined. Just call me Dita Von Determined. I have made up my mind, and nothing, not even the death of my beloved grandmother who happens to be holding on tight by the way, will bring that dark cloud over my head back. Or the storm that just currently resides inside me.

I have a great family, even if I do get annoyed with them from time to time. I have great friends and great kids.

I've done the final head nod on my decision, so you know I'm serious.

With that being said, I have absolutely no way to predict the future, even with my trusty tarot cards, all I can do is try, try and try again. And I'm not going to come up with any resolutions this year. Every year I ponder over what I could resolve to do for the new year and it never comes to fruition. So this year I am just going to "roll with the punches" and make life happen. I now believe that the resolutions hold me back and don't really allow me any breathing room for...anything really. They keep me restricted with the confines of a list of one to, sometimes, 10 things I'm "supposed" to do and that to me is like wearing a straight jacket.

So bring on the new year and give me your best shot. No one can break me. Constitution isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The devil wears...shoes


First off, let me start by saying that I hope ya'll had a great Christmas. Mine was subpar at best. I basically slept all day, between the openings of presents. I got good ones. I was just out of it. And I wasn't even hungover. The best present though was my daddy showing up on my sisters' doorstep. I haven't seen him for quite some time, so that was rad. I also got to see my little (read: younger, taller than me) sister and her new, wait for it, husband. HUSBAND. She's 17...barely. The icing on the cake? She's also pregnant. On purpose.

I'd so hoped she wouldn't make the same mistakes...*ahem* little accidents...I did. Not to say I don't love my crazy, funny, amazonian children...and there's not really any regret left...but still, there's always the wondering what would have become of me had I chosen a different path. But I digress. I'm a little disappointed in her...a little saddened, but if that's what she wants, I guess there's no stopping her. Especially considering she ran away to Juarez, Mexico to elope. I think we pretty much put the DIS in disfunctional.

On a sadder note, my grandmother isn't doing well at all. We don't think she'll live through the week. I sat with her for a few hours today so that my mom could get out into the real world, and it was hard.

Six days after my 12th birthday, my grandfather (this grandma's husband) died of cancer...I was present when it happened and needless to say it traumatized me pretty bad. So being with her today brought me back 15 years...basically I was real paranoid that she would pass while I was there and I wouldn't know what to do. We both survived the afternoon. Although it's sad to see her like this.

This being a woman who never learned how to drive and walked everywhere. She worked in the fields with other migrants picking cotton and grapes. She survived constant physical and verbal abuse from her husband. She gave birth to my mom, five months early I might add, herself on her kitchen table. She raised 4 sons and 2 daughters and took care of countless grandkids...you know us Mexicans, we multiply...and she's lived to be 87. And to this day, in her weakened condition, she will still stand to offer you her seat. Having been raised to be hospititable...making food for large amounts of people, serving all the men in the family, giving up her bed for anyone in need or any visiting relatives...it's in her blood. And even though she can barely stand on her own, she's STILL trying to make us and serve us food. STILL trying to make us as comfortable as possible. She is a wonderful lady, mother, grandmother, aunt, sister and friend. As I type, type, type away, the tears flow easily, cause while she's still holding on tight to that small shred of life left in her, the grasp will losen quickly and she will be missed...immensely.

Through all this, I'm holding up well though. I have to...for my mom. As most of you know, we already went through all this with my uncle not 6 months ago. But we have to keep our chins up and plow through life with tenacity and strength. After all, I have two mini-me's that need tending to.

Remember, we do not remember days, we remember moments.